Every time I pull to a stop it's like my car has been grannified. It waddles to a stop instead of smoothly braking. Also, the nasty metallic sound of the (Dead?) brakes is terrible. Although they have sounded that way ever since we got the brakes replaced. >_< Help me.

that sounds like a warped roter, or your pads are not fitted correctly. I have some terribly warped rotters on this saturn i have, when i hit the brakes on the high way it scares everyone the car shakes really rapidly then comes to slow stop bucking a little bit. So if you know the brakes are installed ok then i would have to say it the rotors, get crossed drilled they look phat, or just pay a machine shop like 20 bucks to have them grind it down.

Get your rotors resurfaced. Nissan does them on the car for about 80 bucks. Or you can take them off yourself and have a local shop do them for about 30 bucks. I prefer to have them cut on the car. It assures you a perfectly true to the hub surface.
The dead brake? Are you refering to the parking brake? Emergency Brake (e-brake) lever? The ratchet sound when you pull the lever up is normal.

The normal brakes. @o They scream, basically, ever since we got them redone; I believed that was only reserved for when they were about to not be there, at all. There is a metal pad in them so they scream when the brake needs replacing.

This same thing happened to me a few months ago. The first time I did the brakes I had the rotors resurfaced and I got new pads from Nissan. They started making a horrible grinding noise, so I took it apart again, but everything looked fine. I found out if the rotors are cut too thin, they will warp once they heat up. So I bought new rotors ($60) and everything has been fine since.