early morning cop humor for all you speeders out there :)
Thread Starter
Supporting Maxima.org Member
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 1,215
early morning cop humor for all you speeders out there :)
these are by no way are meant to offend any officers on the org...enjoy 
Police quotes:
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a
cripple."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The
"disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed
almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Police quotes:
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can
write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now
we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding,
rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a
cripple."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The
"disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed
almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded. "If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?" Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled. "Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 1,687
From: Charlotte, NC
one more...
A guy was driving his car along the interstate when it broke down. He got out, fixed it, and started driving again. A little bit down the road it broke down again. He got out, fixed it, and started driving again. This happened about 4 times in a 10 mile period. Finally the car broke down, and the guy couldn't get it fixed. He was completely frustrated and needed to relieve some aggression. He found a brick by the side of the road. He took it and threw it at the car. Then he went and got it. He threw it again. Then he went and got it again. The man did this about 8 times. He then had an idea. He went into his trunk and got a piece of rope. He tied one end around the brick, and wrapped the other end around his hand. This way when he threw the brick, he could just yank back on the rope and retrieve it easily. The man threw the brick, then yanked on the rope and pulled it back. He kept doing this over and over until 1 time the brick got caught on the steering wheel. Grrrrr. The man was furious. He went and got the brick. He threw the brick at the car again, but was so furious that he overthrew it. At the same time, a semi truck was passing by, and the brick got tangled up in the front fender of the truck. The rope from the brick ripped the man's arm right off, and was dangling from the truck's bumper... the truck driver didn't even notice. Well, about this time, a police officer was passing by. He stopped and noticed the guy was bleeding. He called for an ambulance, tow truck, and additional assistance. He talked to the man and found out what happened. He then radioed ahead to another office to see if they could track down the truck. The other office finally saw the truck passing by, and proceeded to pull him over. After retrieving the arm and talking to the truck driver, he proceeded to place the truck driver under arrest. The truck driver knew his Miranda rights and demanded to be told what the charges were. The police officer replied... armed robbery.
Hope that makes your day a little better.
A guy was driving his car along the interstate when it broke down. He got out, fixed it, and started driving again. A little bit down the road it broke down again. He got out, fixed it, and started driving again. This happened about 4 times in a 10 mile period. Finally the car broke down, and the guy couldn't get it fixed. He was completely frustrated and needed to relieve some aggression. He found a brick by the side of the road. He took it and threw it at the car. Then he went and got it. He threw it again. Then he went and got it again. The man did this about 8 times. He then had an idea. He went into his trunk and got a piece of rope. He tied one end around the brick, and wrapped the other end around his hand. This way when he threw the brick, he could just yank back on the rope and retrieve it easily. The man threw the brick, then yanked on the rope and pulled it back. He kept doing this over and over until 1 time the brick got caught on the steering wheel. Grrrrr. The man was furious. He went and got the brick. He threw the brick at the car again, but was so furious that he overthrew it. At the same time, a semi truck was passing by, and the brick got tangled up in the front fender of the truck. The rope from the brick ripped the man's arm right off, and was dangling from the truck's bumper... the truck driver didn't even notice. Well, about this time, a police officer was passing by. He stopped and noticed the guy was bleeding. He called for an ambulance, tow truck, and additional assistance. He talked to the man and found out what happened. He then radioed ahead to another office to see if they could track down the truck. The other office finally saw the truck passing by, and proceeded to pull him over. After retrieving the arm and talking to the truck driver, he proceeded to place the truck driver under arrest. The truck driver knew his Miranda rights and demanded to be told what the charges were. The police officer replied... armed robbery.
Hope that makes your day a little better.
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 554
Originally posted by BJGemini
Has everyone seen Super Troopers yet?
Has everyone seen Super Troopers yet?
hysterical movie, someone else rented it and I was totally surprised. They did a HORRIBLE job advertising that movie. Actually, I thought it was a many notches above Tommy Boy type humor. matter of fact, I need to see that again. Not right meow, but soon...
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 362
Originally posted by Driven EF9
is that out right meow? I saw it in the theatre. but if it's out meow i'm gonna go get it, considering it's the best comedy out meow. Meow you got me all thinking about the movie. Like the part where they were shooting the dude in his "protective plate". I'm laughing meow thinking about it! alright, I gotta go meow.
is that out right meow? I saw it in the theatre. but if it's out meow i'm gonna go get it, considering it's the best comedy out meow. Meow you got me all thinking about the movie. Like the part where they were shooting the dude in his "protective plate". I'm laughing meow thinking about it! alright, I gotta go meow.
-Brian
Old Timer
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,430
From: Huntsville, TX
THose jokes are hilarious. I'm a cop and I don't think you'll offend any of us. By the way my favorite saying:
"I know the cuffs are uncomfortable. If they felt good, everybody would be wearing them!"
"I know the cuffs are uncomfortable. If they felt good, everybody would be wearing them!"
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